Candles and Adele

Candles and Adele,

Describe this evening well.

I don’t know if I can make it through,

But of course I can with you.

On my own I just keep falling

Further into the abyss,

Stumbling deeper,

Running further in.

And I can’t help wondering

What brought me here?

What invisible lines,

Wrap around my throat?

Capture

And from the same season....

The stars shine brighter tonight:
They celebrate as I rip off my second skin.
Beauty and darkness fight it out,
To wrench the pain from my body.
It is pain that this is pain to me.
How can I look at myself and you,
With this blemish on me,
That spreads like cancer over my soul?
To hold lies because they feel safe,
To risk sinking and drowning,
So I can hold a useless stone in my hand?
I choose true beauty: I choose you, Lord.

Turning Away

I wrote this one a while ago....

I give birth to adieu,
The pain of release returning,
Yet this is a fresh battle,
Spiked as never before.
It is death to hold it in.
I grab my face, forcing it round:
I must see your choice.
You choose and choose and choose...
Maybe there is rejuvenation,
After this cull.
All I'm doing, is walking as I should have,
But I have to wrench myself onto that path.

Inverse Sadness

I have something to say, but even I don't know what it is.
Maybe if I go to sleep with a pen beside my dreams,
Or do an ink impression off my heart,
We can both read what is written there.

The heart-head line has been severed:
It makes educated guesses that are factually correct,
Looking in from outside, cool and detached,
Reflecting you.

My heart begins to reveal it's cards,
Like the final round of knock-out whist.
Still you look expectantly, but now without the magnifying glass.
Soon you will wander on, forgetting I'm not fine.

What would you have me do?
Plunge my hand deep into my chest,
And pull out the offending heart,
So we can cross-examine it into submission?

Perhaps, I should operate to reconnect
The dodgy plumbing?
I can't map this out for you,
Because the mirror comes up blank.

11/1/14

Message in a bottle

The code seems unbreakable,

The environ a swirling mess,

I can't join the dots,

All I do is guess.

I have no idea what kind of hand I hold,

Although, I have all my cards face-up.

I know I missed class,

The day they set this up,

And I've been improvising since,

The effort eats me up.

I walk and crawl but never run,

The child inside is overcome.

I oscillate unintentionally,

..........Or maybe I don't.

The crime cannot be judged by the defendant,

But the judge cannot understand.

I've come so far, but not yet passed the starting line.

I am a message in a bottle.

Written: April 2009

A collection of thoughts: not a poem really, more a collection of statements.

The ugly duckling thought it was ugly because it didn't know it was a swan.

It seems that those who shine brightest, are surrounded by darkness.

Sometimes this world is too confined for them to breathe.

They cough and splutter through treacle, with grit in their shoes.

There are a million faces looking back at me in hope and despair.

Each one turned towards the sun that makes and breaks their world.

The storm clouds gather, rolling across the sky in grey foreboding.

A challenge to our comfort as we choke back the taste of waiting.

I've heard there's a God up there who holds us as we breathe.

My heart breaks a thousand times a day at the absence we are feeling.

The child in me senses I belong nowhere on this earth.

But the adult walks through brambles and thickets, knowing the dead end is an illusion.

27/8/10

[Last line of 2nd verse partially inspired by a line in the film "Amazing Grace".

The above is inspired by beautiful people I have or have had the honour to know or know of and recent events in Haiti and Pakistan, as well as God's love in the midst of chaos.]

Words

I want to say something

But I'm scared to open my mouth,

I don't know what will come out:

Black or White.

Will I harm or heal with my words,

Will you hear what I say,

Or another configuration

Of these words that tumble out?

Will I say what I mean,

Or something else?

Will you filter it through your own glasses,

That distort and disfigure my thoughts?

How do I know if we'll meet,

Or graze each other in passing?

It seems easier to stand still,

Not talking.

But the words tumble out

From some strange place inside

That INSISTS on being heard,

Regardless of the cost.

And so I say it all

While saying nothing,

Playing hide-and-seek with you,

While I'm choking.

8/5/10

Jail

Inside my ribs it aches without you.

Or it would, if I hadn't encased my heart with glass

So that my body could carry on:

Perfectly isolating and containing the problem,

So that I would continue smoothly,

Like a glass lake on a still day.

Now I battle within, asking myself,

Is this the end of the poem?

Do I carry on walking away?

Why would anyone open the gates,

Knowing poison would flow through the streets?

But is living under siege, living at all?

If you cut off supplies, the people will die,

My body needs oxygen to live.

But facts remain facts,

You are still far from me,

Even, if I shatter that glass.

25/4/10

Long Sad Day

Sadness creeps in like a storm drenched dog,
An oil slick slipping silently over my heart.
It engulfs, seals and bides;
It is unmoving, soul-less and absolute.

It is no dead weight, no extreme of emotion;
Just a sad day that forgot to go away.
It rumbles and niggles and stays,
Like a ripple on a calm day.

[This is from about 2 years ago.]

The Dress

Cherished child watches the empty sky with a withered flower in her hand.

Is she visible in this wilderness where the soldiers march efficiently by?

She holds it out, watching its unexpected demise.

Her attention fixed on the wilting bloom, as if willing it to rise from the grave.

She is a child of circumstance, in a dress that was once beautiful.

It's shy pink peaking out from behind the dust,

Beside the desert khaki that towers over her,

And the sand beneath her feet.

Visual train of thought partially inspired by the artwork on "Silent Echoes" Video EP by Dr Noise

[http://bit.ly/7HYPuy]

6/12/09

Today

Your smile makes me flutter,

Like it’s still 1987;

And turn away in efficiency,

As if I’d never seen you at all.

I know you live in far flung places,

With writing on the wall.

I have nothing to say to you.

I make myself walk away.

Does your ego need the boost of knowing,

What I withhold from you today?

I don’t know if this thing grows;

In the hothouse of my woes,

In the vacuum left by patience,

Or like a weed that pushes its way in?

I cannot knowingly be part,

Of creating barren land.

So bring on the weedkiller,

Tear out the roots,

Wash my heart down with water,

And unclench my fingers from your smile.

28/11/09

One-way mirror

Your broken image stares back at you:
Cowering, hiding, casting furtive glances.
The clock ticks and you hear nothing changes.
You’ve ticked off the last of your chances.

You sit alone, covering both mirrors:
With sweetness, with metal, with orange glasses.
You are the only key but you don’t fit.
Another day, another night, morning passes.

On the other side of the wall
We can see you, a flower unfolding.
You are encrusted with jewels.
You are so beautiful it hurts.


Inspired by L, C & C,
other people I’ve known,
times in my life,
& a line from a U2 song.

24/2/09